Welcome to the confines of my heart.

Stefanie Nicole.
20. Bisexual. Long Island, NY.
Jensen. Jared. Misha.
Sam Winchester is my Boy King<3
StarCHaser. // Childish.
LeoDiCap. Trubie. Gleek. One Tree Hill. Claymore. Black Butler. Teen Wolf. Space Cowboygirl. Soccer [Red Bulls, Arsenal]. Sixx.
Xbox - sectumsempraxx
Computer Hope

2011 Recap [this is a long one]

Beginning: Let’s see.. Well. 2011 started with me throwing up at my ex’s from being so drunk. Awesome. New Years Day was Nick and mine’s two months. I actually remember those two days well, of course. I went shopping at the mall, had this huge milkshake thing from Starbucks, went to Nick’s, and got shitfaced. I actually blacked out, but once I threw up I started to remember again. I was throwing up at midnight, Nick stayed with me, we missed the ball drop, I was hysterically crying. Then we fell asleep on Joanna’s bed, woke up around three, and Nick went to sleep downstairs while I went to hang out with everyone in the living room. Liam started calling me “Styles P” hahah. Then I went to bed. The next day, I showered, and Nick and I just cuddled and watched movies all day till I went home later that night. We were going really well though, as well as we could go considering my past. The winter was the best time. We’d hang out all the time, but I wasn’t stable at all. That high of getting away from Skyler was wearing off, and I could feel myself crumbling away. I shut down. I got worse by March/April. If it wasn’t just Nick and I, I wouldn’t say much. I hated myself and quite frequently wanted to die. I started cutting myself a lot. We started fighting a lot. I was so fucking insecure that I had to drink or do drugs in order to just have a conversation and feel fucking normal. I tried talking to Skyler in February I believe it was, because I felt so low and just fucked up. I discovered I could write, and that’s how I often got my feelings across. My parents marriage fell apart, even though it was hardly together. But it started coming to the light. They fought so much, more than ever. & for the first time my dad actually told me he was leaving my mom soon. He still hasn’t, but I think he’s waiting for me to be in college. That’s what he said at least. I started counseling sometime in November of 2010, and well, that wasn’t going well either.

Middle: Nick and I were fighting so much. I started cutting more and hating myself more than ever. I wouldn’t eat often either. May and June were junior prom and senior prom. I called a break a week before junior prom. I’d pull this shit a lot because I was so insecure and stupid and was so weak that I couldn’t step up and not be a fucking twat. I knew it’d be tense and not right even though we decided to forget about it for the night, but it was going fucking awful. So I decided to bring E, & I took it like an hour in. Once it kicked in, we got along soooo well. The best we’ve gotten along since the winter. But I’m an idiot and haaaad to tell him that I was rolling, my conscience was catching up to me. So he got even more mad than he was before. We got back to his house around midnight, stayed up until three, and then woke up the next morning and went to his lacrosse game. Then June was senior prom. Uhm. Well, wow. I remember that day wasn’t going well, my hair didn’t come out the way I wanted it to, and other stuff as well. Then I got to his house and got out of the car and when we saw each other we couldn’t stop staring at each other, despite the fact that we fought so much. I didn’t enjoy senior prom as much, I had no one to talk to. I remember it ended, we went to Matt’s to get changed, then went to some kids house in Shirley. We were separated the whole night. He was on one table playing beer pong, and I was on the other table on the other side of the deck playing. All night. Then around four we sat around a table, most people were passed out, so it was about five guys and two other girls and me who were awake. Someone pulled out bud and a bowl so of course I wanted to smoke. I went with them, but then Kris came and told me not to and that Nick was so fucking pissed. So I didn’t smoke and went back to him and he wouldn’t talk to me. I spent like an hour trying to get him to talk to me, but he wouldn’t. So I went back outside and stayed up until seven with three other guys just talking. Slept for an hour, then woke up and just wanted to fucking dieeee. I remember some girl and Nick were sleeping by each other, and she like..just reached over and touched his hair. I’m shaking as I remember this and am writing it. Ugh. I acted like I didn’t see it considering we had so many more problems going on. Nick still didn’t talk to me, but we went to get breakfast with a few of his friends. Spent the night camping at Smith’s Point and he eventually gave in and talked to me. Woke up the next morning, went to his house, showered, relaxed, then he had work so I went home. Then 17 days after that, he broke up with me. Yes I remember the date cause I’m a loser. I also remember that about two days before that, we went out to dinner then I slept over. Things were fucking fine. But Olivia bothered me so fucking much. & then he broke up with me.

End: I spent the next month asking for him back, telling him how much I loved him, and obviously he hardly ever answered. I stopped counseling cause it wasn’t doing shit. I wasn’t ready to change and didn’t want to. I met my dad’s girlfriend… After all these years of knowing he was cheating, it was confirmed. I guess I turned into a little hoe…awesome. Kris started talking to me and we started hanging out. I was so fucking stupid and did things with him. I just had so many guys on me since I was single, but I only did things with Kris, but that didn’t stop me from being a little flirt. Let’s see. Kris, Kevin, Donnie, Blake.. Kevin wanted a relationship, so that didn’t last long. We were so good together though. We’d hang out a lot and just laugh and laugh, but he kept telling me how much he liked me but I didn’t want a relationship. I hung out with Paulie and John and Fabio and all those kids often. Soccer and school started. Soccer = bad. School was going well though. Soccer eventually got better, and I learned a lot from it. I also made really good friends during the season. I’m the happiest I ever was now. I’ve bettered myself so much. I’m positive now, rather then negative. I don’t do drugs anymore, I don’t cut, I’m not miserable and depressed all the time. Well, other than when Nick and I hung out. Yeah..wasn’t working out too well. Obviously I wanted to get back with him, but he insisted on being friends. Fuck thaaaaat. So I finally stopped talking to him. Anyways, I’ve changed my style, my attitude.. I’m just better. I’ve made so many friends and couldn’t be more grateful. But, as with anything, there is a negative side. I guess I started to feel like my father. I broke a lot of hearts, couldn’t settle down, and quite frankly didn’t want to. I’m still confused, but it’s been becoming clearer to me. I’ve lead people on without even realizing it. I wasn’t talking about liking them or anything like that, I’m just friendly and nice now. But of course they take it that way. I’m excited for my future. I’m majoring in pre-dentistry and playing soccer in college. I can’t wait to graduate high school and begin my life.

Love: Love. Love, love, love. 2011 was up and down, but mostly down in the relationship department. I explained a lot of what happened with Nick in the beginning and middle portion of this post, because that was what my life consisted of in the beginning and middle. I knew I loved Nick the moment I met him, and he definitely saved my life and prevented me from doing the stupid shit I planned at the end of 2010. Suicide, or what most people don’t know, getting pregnant. I shouldn’t be here regardless. I should either be dead or in Miami with a baby. 2010 was fucking stupid as fucking fuck. & Nick brought me up from that downfall. But with Nick I went from being in Hell to stuck in Purgatory. Nick was Heaven, he was an angel. He taught me how to be better, how to be happy, how to live. & once he left me, I was able to be all that. Then I met Matt & I don’t even fucking know. It wasn’t serious at all. I didn’t even like him. It just…happened. We started talking and then he told me he was going to ask me out so I gave it a try. It wasn’t working for me. Nick started talking to me again and we started hanging out, and that just made me realize how much I love Nick. So I broke up with Matt almost two months after we started dating. After Skyler, Nick, and Matt, I often wonder if I’ll ever be capable of loving again.

Family: I’ve gotten a lot closer to my family in the past few months. It was totally random. It all started when my sister and me met my dad’s girlfriend. But before that it was like I didn’t even exist. My brother and I hang out now, we bond, talk, do things together. My sister and me have gotten better. I guess we’re the best we can possibly be right now, but I hope we get even better. There is always room for improvement, we don’t have a strong relationship. I get along a lot better with my mom and dad now. The fact that I actually feel like a person in my house finally after all these years has made me feel a lot better.

Friendship: I’ve improved so much with this. In the beginning and middle, I didn’t know how to be a friend. Hell, even in the end I didn’t. I’m still learning how to be a better friend towards people. I’ve always sucked at friendship considering my past. But after Nick, I realized how to be a friend. In eleventh grade, I didn’t have many friends. I hated the world and couldn’t connect with anyone because I was so depressed and believed I was crazy. But the summer came and I made friends. I was busy a lot, and always had plans. Then senior year came and now I’m really learning what friendship is about. I’m rarely ever alone in the hallways, & I actually hang out with people at busses instead of going right on my bus. I’ve learned how to connect with people and be nice. I don’t shut down and not know what to say anymore. I’ve gotten so much better at having conversations and connecting with people. Once I gained confidence and was positive, I’ve attracted so many people.

Mistakes: My mistake was keeping myself bottled up during my relationship with Nick. I was simply too proud for love, and wasn’t strong enough for it either. I didn’t love him the way I should have, the way I really did deep down inside. Instead I was an asshole, which eventually pushed him away in the long run.

Lessons: I learned to never give up. I learned and discovered a lot about myself. I learned to not take things in your life for granted, and to always realize what you have. I’ve learned how to control my depression, anger, cutting, and suicidal thoughts. I’ve learned how to fucking live and feel alive finally. I’ve learned to not act on pain. I’ve learned that things end and feelings change, no matter what. You lose people and you gain people. But at the end of the day it’s still only you. No matter what. Live for yourself, but live to be the best you can possibly be. Help others, motivate others.

Jobs: I worked at Abercrombie Kids for a little bit, but quit after I got a new job in the summer. I didn’t like Abercrombie much, I wanted a job where I actually connected with people and made friends. I worked seven weeks at this camp that my school district runs and I absolutely loved it. That’s where I met Donnie. We flirted so much, but that ended because he’s 22 and got a job that would get him in trouble because I’m 17. But we eventually started sneaking with each other. I felt so comfortable there. I became friends with Mike, or as I call him Brian, and just loved being with little kids all summer. I can’t wait till the summer comes again so I can work there again. This job made me realize how much I want kids. If dentistry doesn’t work out, I want to do something with children. Maybe be a pediatrician.

Hopes for 2012: I hope to continue to do good in school. Also, to get accepted into the colleges I applied to. I hope I make the best decision which one to choose. I hope I continue to be healthy and happy. But also I want to continue to keep growing. Although I’ve improved so much, I hope I improve the negative aspects that still remain. I hope college works out for me and I’m able to make friends in a new environment and excel.

posted 2 years ago with 3 notes